Dear Colleagues,

I am constantly asked, "Admiral, what exactly is the AARM? And why are you so small and rubbery?" To understand this, you must first know some details of my personal history.

I was born long ago on the salty wet planet of Mon Calamari. As a child, I aspired to become a concert pianist. Sadly, my ambitions were never realized, as the wires and wood necessary to make a decent piano could not withstand the undersea rigors of my home planet. I made reluctant attempts at mastering the oysterophone and eelhorn, instruments native to my area, but those burbling squawkers were poor substitutes for the tinkling splendor that is the piano. In my teenage years (known to my people as the 'awkward tentacle phase' ) I was forced to acknowledge that my dreams were never to be realized when a interplanetary touring cabaret visited my school. Imagine my delight - they had a piano! I snuck onto the stage during a particularly bawdy dance number and was finally able to see the fabled instrument up close. It was with a heavy heart that I realized my flippers were much too large for the delicate ivory keys. I flew into a blind rage! Bellowing like a constipated ape, I spun crazily across the stage, accidentally tearing the skirts off a two-assed dancing creature, revealing her many modest parts. It was assumed I had been sampling the local hallucinogenic seaweed, which led to a "hormone addled" frenzy. As a result, I was trundled off to a military academy.

Years later, I learned to refocus my musical energies into martial energies. I rose quickly through the ranks, and was the first Admiral with gills ever. Needless to say, my quick ascent made me many jealous enemies, on both the light and dark sides of the Force! One of my most powerful adversaries was Han Solo. In reality, he is nothing like the wise cracking maverick of the movies. Jealous of my talents as a pilot and, I blushingly admit, a lover, Han was always seeking to trip me up. With the assistance of the Ewoks, a race of furred land dwellers who loath my kind based on no apparent criteria other than our love of the sea, Han came up with a plan that led me to my current state.

One afternoon, while walking in the great forest, I overheard some Ewoks (yes, I know their language well, along with 3,000 others - take that 3CP0!) talking of a 'great instrument' - an enormous keyed device, much like a piano, but with impossibly broad keys. Could it be? I wondered? Had someone created a piano that would suite my appendages? Breathlessly, I implored the creatures to lead me to it. And they did - or rather, to the faux decoy made of painted rocks and brush! How could I be so naive! Han was waiting behind a boulder with his devious wookie, and, before I could even cry out, I was enveloped in a blinding green light. A shrink ray! The ignoble device made me what I am today:

I am now a small bendy pile of rubber. I can bend at the hips, but sadly am not anatomically correct. To add insult to injury, I was sent to earth, whereupon I was promptly mauled by an enormously corpulent feline'.

In an odd twist, I now spend my days crawling across the keyboard of a piano! I have almost mastered 'The Harmonious Blacksmith'. This happy set of circumstances aside, I feel the universe is better served with me in my former capacity as a squidlike admiral.

The AARM is an organization I have formed to restore me to my former glory. To join, you must either have a desire to restore harmony to the world at large, or to create harmony on a piano!

Your tireless Leader,

Admiral Ackbar

P.S.If anyone knows how to reverse my plight please let me know.